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As a WS, I can tell you that a lot of us strongly believe that our BS stayed because of the comfort we provide and that you settled in the first place and you stayed for the lifestyle more than out of kindness and love. We discovered along the way that we were never that important and that marriage and kids were what you wanted and not a husband and partner. Those that have good coping mechanisms leave, those of us with trauma and unresolved issues cheat.

So she decides that she wants to call off the divorce and end the affair and she notifies Michael via email at work. Just when I think this woman couldn't be any worse she proves me wrong. If she felt so strongly about her marriage and her family why didn't she pick up the phone and call him? This man is going to regret staying married to her. I would be willing to bet the only time they have physical relations is when she says yes

So she agreed to go to the program strictly because she wanted to make herself a better person for her affair partner. Michael's friend did not do him any favors by talking him out of divorce. Sadly had Michael filed for divorce the judge would have ordered him to pay child support and probably alimony because his wife was not working

im dealing with this, after 15 years to know what she did it is killing me.. im been betrayed

I've become what pain wanted me to be: an angry, bitter, sad, hopeless person.

I can understand a 10-year-old not understanding consequences of his or her actions but it is insulting for a betrayer to say he or she did not understand the consequences of his or her actions. Tou Are an adult in an adult relationship. You know full well consequences of having an affair. When I discovered my wife was sexting with a younger married man at work she tried to use the excuse had I been self aware of what I was doing and it was incredibly insulting to me. You know damn well what you are doing is wrong and violates the sanctity of our marriage

The simple answer is, he or she wanted to have the affair. When the betrayer says I don't know I think that is a pathetic excuse. Something drew you to another person and until you can tell me what it was or what was broken or missing inside you the Betrayed cannot heal and move forward. Until you the betrayer can identify why the affair happened how can you take steps to prevent it from happening again? The promise of I will never do that again is forever meaningless to the Betrayed

"Infidelity is sometimes seen as a type of domestic violence because it can be just as demoralizing and harmful as a physical assault. Adultery or betrayal of one’s spouse has long-term consequences. Furthermore, the unfaithful spouse can be routinely and negligently choosing to risk their partner’s sexual health by potentially exposing them to sexually transmitted infections, with long-term physical consequences, e.g, giving sexually transmitted diseases such as syphilis, or HIV, affecting their physical/mental health and emotional well-being. The spouse eventually starts to feel humiliated, hurt, and helpless."

all these people saying what I'm thinking as the unfaithful party. Not it what I'm thinking is I deserve to be beaten badly and I deserve the cold shoulder I'm receiving. I'm the one who beyond messed up and I'm the one who needs to change not her. I hate myself and my thoughts are what can I do to help her heal with or without me in the picture if she chooses to leave I respect that and if she chooses to stay I will do everything I can to help her heal and be the man she needs me to be. If she leave I will do whatever I can to help her heal and to be happy with whomever she chooses. I'm not a perfect man far from it and I will never step out again. I betrayed her and trampled on her the sadness I feel and guilt I feel make me physically ill and I pray she chooses to stay but understand if she doesn't. But I love her enough to consider her happiness with or without me. And if she leaves I'm gonna pay off the house and give it to her along with money to support her from every paycheck . I am willing to struggle so she can have everything she wants and needs.

(currently 22 months out from Dday - married 21 years) but 6 months after Dday I found out I had Lymphoma in my blood/bones and stomach...I'm thinking ok - well at least I have my business which is wonderful - I own a flower farm - then the Dr tells me I can't touch the flowers, dirt or anything or I could die from the bacteria. Ok, so I have to hire someone and I make no money,. Start chemo and after the first round my 17 yr old dog has to be put down. Did 6 months of Chemo and declared cancer free - two weeks later, colonoscopy shows colon cancer - are you kidding me? SERIOUSLY wonder how and why these things happen to us betrayed! (Colorectol surgery was in Dec and I am cancer free thank God!)

My husband had an emotional affair with a coworker....he went back to work today and switched rotations to not work with her, but saw her crying in the corner and very briefly asked how she was.... he came home feeling bad.for her but also misses her....how do i approach as a wife (we are doing therapy too).

But one has to wonder why they are like children who have to be punished to do the right thing… it’s weird.

Cery helpful! Thx!

I would have to say you've got to be kidding me when I came home and my UF wife was sitting on the porch, playing her guitars, singing, cheating songs WTH. so I flooded she got mad. She's like I used to sing these songs all the time and they never bothered you and I'm like ding ding ding that was before you cheated now the songs hold a new meaning hopefully one day I can laugh about it.

hi samuel.. thankq for the vedio... i have a question.. if the betrayed spouse think that if an unfaithful spouse love him or her, then y they cheat them.. and this question hunting him or her and what ever whys an unfaithful spose trys to expain and dont want to leave them and want to save their marriage, the betrayed spouse dont want to think it positive instaed they are getting deep into depression.. what can we do as a unfaithful spouse?

I absolutely hate that its assumed its the man being unfaithful. 🤦🏿‍♂️🤦🏿‍♂️🤦🏿‍♂️🤦🏿‍♂️🤦🏿‍♂️ Especially when women are cheating at an alarming rate these days with the help of the internet. The fact that he keeps saying "her" as if shes the betrayed is extremely triggering to male betrayeds. I cant listen to this...

because its something they want to replay in their mind when left in their own space/world

Mine doesn't care to even talk and Im not the unfaithful one. I think its a wrap

It hurts

chose to accept. to forgive the deed? I cannot really say.

I don’t remember parts of my affair and my wife doesn’t believe me. She has negatives that she found and I have no clue what they are. This was almost 20 years ago and I still don’t remember . My wife doesn’t trust me at all. I don’t know what else to do.

This is what I need to do near term and long term.

6 mos post-D Day, husband's two-month affair happened late in our 30 year marriage. Caught, because he gave me an STI. I don't have big you-gotta-be-kiddings, but, too-long reasons, I have been largely unable to share the shattering effects with others. I am grateful for Candace's message. It alone is support.

I hate my husband, it's been four years.

I just miss her so much

We just got married 3 months ago. It took him 2 months to start to seek out an affair partner. They talked for 2 weeks and kissed at his work. We’ve been together 8 years and have 2 kids together. It took us a long time to get married and now that we have and he’s gone and done this… I just don’t know if I can ever forgive him. He looked me in the eye and me in the eye in front of all my family and friends and promised to be faithful. I didn’t ask a lot in him. I only asked for loyalty….. I don’t know who he could ever do this to me again after all we’ve been through together. I’ve never been more lost and numb and hurt in my life. I don’t believe love should make you feel like this

Can you talk about a second affair. After already getting help with the first one and taking him back.

Until my wife of 20 years, my partner of 27 years, can explain to me why she exchanged text messages of a sexual nature with a younger married coworker I will not feel safe and secure in our marriage. So far I have gotten because I was turning 50 and didn't feel attractive and while that may be true that is not enough to set aside your moral convictions and risk destroying not only our marriage but his marriage as well. We are in therapy, she is in therapy, and my hope is that one day she can sit down with me and explain that whatever was broken in her has been repaired and I can feel safe with her again

True love wants good for the beloved. No deceit, no filthy lies and power games. Maybe it brings peace to know you love someone but they don't love you the same. They love you less to do this. I see that some people are ok with that, but please don't cry when you see that they are at it again. Understand that these people don't love you. Don't find an excuse in your marriage. Jesus Christ condemns adultery for a reason. It shows weak character and someone who lusts with little capacity to truly love. Jesus was wise to forgive but only those who are truly sorry can be truly forgiven.

Less than 2 months after Dday..... Our house burned down. I got the call from the fire chief while on an infidelity support group counseling call.

LOL Trigger events stil happen 22 years later. It's not like they naturally go away. That's a lie. One learns to COPE. I know the truth. I know my husband regrets and loves, and we have moved from the infidelity - but triggers, reminders never go away. I just have learned to handle them

I am so humiliated being around his friends my husband was cheating our whole marriage of 30 yrs. I never got a disclosure of anything and when I am around them they have a tendency to blab about stuff he did in the past I was never told about. Like strip clubs etc. I feel they are all laughing behind my back saying if she only knew everything he has done. Being around his friends are an instant trigger cuz I never know what I am gonna hear.

I am very much interested in doing everything I can to avoid infidelity rather than think of strategies to recover after the infidelity happens!

Sir, this is brilliant. Just because you can resist the devil doesn't mean you should hang out with him. A wise man sees sin from afar and runs away from it, a fool proceeds and pays the price. Thank you so much!

It drives me crazy that he is happy? I feel destroyed. I am making all the effort & changes. He just keeps saying what do you want me to do ? ME: go to counseling! He will only go to a female counselor. Men are too hard on him! I don’t see any real effort? I have made serious change & effort to change what he hates. He is trying not to be angry all the time?🙄 i have access to his phone & computer, where he met & talked abt his sexual abilities & what he would do to the very tall & slender beautiful women who he wants to lick (eweI can’t tell if he is really remorseful? I hate he is happy. I’ve gone to 2 diff. Therapist, a hypnotherapist & another. 3 diff doc’s making sure if there is something wrong I know what it is. Mine is a twisted story I think. This is the first time in our relationship I know of an affair. At least 3 prostitutes prob more. He calls them hook ups he insists they are not prostitutes. But he pays them 200.00 to 500.00 dollars. I don’t see this agony ending.

Where my heart is at this moment in the middle of trying to heal-I believe initiative towards self reflection for recovery DAILY is KEY. At least for the first few months. We don’t feel safe, especially if you’re told “let it go” or “we’re not talking about the past”. THE PAST IS WHAT WE LEARN FROM. Healing individually is SO important, but to grow and heal the marriage it will need to be done together as well. If the unfaithful becomes agitated by discussing infidelity and it triggers them, it just shows the betrayed that they aren’t working through it in themselves. The shame that keeps unfaithful from discussing it holds just as much power over them as it did when it was a secret it their own head. Praying for everybody that is trying to heal. God is the only way to heal your soul, trust me I’ve tried it without him. Him first, internal recovery work after that, then finally marital recovery work.

How do you find what caused the trauma

Always fun the see you two do your thing. I appreciate great musical messages of hope and healing - thanks to the both of you. And, thanks for being real.

Talking with my wife the other day she said she wonders if I am staying with her because I'm afraid of being alone or if I really want to repair our marriage. My response was I think both of us wonder why the other is staying

I have read multiple times and I've had my therapist tell me that my wife was probably not thinking about me when she was sexting with a married male coworker who was 13 years younger than myself. And this is probably the hardest part of this affair. The fact that after 27 years together my wife was able to do this and then I am being told that she probably never thought about me when she was doing this. For me right now the messages the sexting was worth the gamble of our relationship When I asked her did you never think about me when you were doing this her response was I think about you all the time, so many times during the day. The fact that you can look me in the face and tell me you think about me so many times during the day yet during that same time you were also able to exchange these messages with another man and then come home and pretend like everything was okay between us. When I think back over the months that it had been taking place, every time I think about her holding my hand or telling me she loves me or us being intimate, now I wonder how many times was she thinking about him at the same time When I confronted my wife her initial response was dismissal, she said it's no big deal, it's just harmless flirting, I have not crossed any lines. During our hour-long conversation she just sat there with her arms folded and her dismissal turned to anger and at the end she said I'm sorry this upset you and I don't know how to restore your trust in me, and she never shed a single tear. The next day when she arrived home from work I said there's a suitcase upstairs I need you to leave and she did for two days. Two days later when we talked I got tears and apologies and her asking to please not end our marriage. We are about 3 months out and things are better but I made it very clear that we have a very long way to go and we still may end up divorced

We are 3 months out from discovery. Husband emotionally cheated going to a bar for 4 years because it was easy he says. We are going thru counseling and that is only answer he gave and the counselor seems content with that and I am not.

I get it! The name story? Mine as well.

Wow, that hit home on so many levels for me as the betrayed husband. Incredible

Damn. That hurts

It does seem to feel as if there is a target on my back for the most random issues to take another right hook and upper cut for the KO. My spouses affair resulted in a pregnancy therefore exploding our life and family dynamic into ruins..been trying to find any pieces I can to salvage what is left of my life. I've been so disoriented and in shock/denial with the disaster left all around me. Both of us in our late 40s going back to infant/toddler/adolescent/then teenage years of parenting and obviously sacrifices just isn't the life I am capable of embracing. These are choices that I wasn't consulted about nor was I considered enough to inform on this new love child baking in the Affair partners uterus. I discovered this news 2 months before she delivered my husband child. I've been giving it all some time to possibly help the process of healing from this assault. Feeling defeated that I'm unable to let go of the disrespect and disregard for my autonomy. No one is entitled to deny me autonomy. It's unacceptable. I feel like I'm disrespecting myself if I continue to stay. Its miserable being the one preventing our repair and moving past this. I'm ready to throw in the towel and just allow this to fade away. Im stuck and just can't seem to find a way thru this and all I'm doing is bringing up things he doesn't want to think about or talk about. The shame isn't something he is going to sit with regardless of what I may need. What I need didn't matter then and it won't matter now or probably ever.

I challenge you to find anyone else who was cheated on 21 hours after the marriage. Yes I said 21 hours after he said, "I Do!" He left his new bride in the afternoon and returned the next evening! 😮💩

9 months into recovery from my wife’s affair I took a new job only to find out on my third day my wife’s affair partner work there as well 🤦

I was cheated on for the first time this last December. I had a sneaking suspicion, but she dumped me almost a week after I had suspected it had happened. She only told me when I had considered trying again with her when I thought that maybe she simply made a rash decision in breaking up with me. But no, she told me she dumped me because she was trying to avoid telling me what she did. To this day I only feel like she told me for her benefit and not do the right thing, and what’s scary is, I’m not a hateful man, nor do I have a temper, but I can’t help but hate her and feel like contacting her just to yell at her, telling her how I hate her for cheating on me, how she left me in the cold without any answers, how she tried to turn me into the villain over it. It scares me how angry this has all made me and it’s made me want to hide away from the world. I feel inadequate, like I’m not good enough for anyone, romantically or otherwise.

When I confronted my wife about her sexting a married coworker her initial reasons was "It's just harmless flirting, that's all. I have NOT crossed any lines" Then she switched to anger and then deflection. No tears, no requests for forgiveness, only "I'm sorry this upsets you". The next day I asked her to leave the house. Two days later when we met there were tears and apologies And requests for forgiveness. Now we are trying to salvage our relationship